Sir Richard Burton
Dame Freya Stark,
Rajasthan
India

Greetings from the Indian sub--c,

If you expect this letter to be particularly informative then it's hard Caerphilly old beans. India is a bit of everything and something of a madhouse. Delhi was Ok. In Kashmir the most elementary business transaction resembles GBH.
You say A bar of soap please
SHOPKEEPER "That will be 50 billion rupees and four goats".
Me "How much???"
SHOPKEEPER "Oh all right two rupees but I'm cutting my own throat".

Amritsar was very agreeable. AGRA was a bit of a pit. They seem to specialise in handcraft made by people without handies. Particularly repugnant were little boxes decorated vaguely like the T Mahal. It was only by maintaining quite extraordinary fleetness of foot that we managed to avoid the unspeakable shame of owning one of the monstrosities. Where we are now is a much better place. Its all jolly interesting.

The first thing you have to learn is how to deal with the touts and rickshaw--wallahs cum highway robbers. A simple "No thank you" is worse than useless. A voice midway between Major Denis Bludneck and Nosferatu seems most efficacious. Phrases like "Sod off" or "By Christ, I'll rip your lites out if you speak to me again you loathsome heap of guano" seem particularly good.

The tone of this missive should not convey anything other than that we are having an exceeding jolly time.

Everything here seems to happen at once, or not at all depending which way you look at it. The streets constantly throng with demented drivers-- bicycles, rickshaws, three wheel taxis, cars, lorries, buses, pedestrians, hand carts, bullock, cow and camel carts plus more than a few loose dogs, goats, cats, children etc. All are convinced they have the right of way and seem to navigate by Braille. Although accommodation is cheap you usually have to share rooms. Hotels tend to have lizards but these are clean, quiet and neighbourly. What's more they catch the bugs. In Kashmir on a houseboat, we became most amicable with the rats. I had a close encounter in the bog. One night the boat owner was showing the property to a prospective client. As the gentleman asked me about the place a horde of rodents could be heard taking vast gobs full from the foundations.

Most of the ordinary people are charming and exceeding friendly, reserving an inexplicable fondness for the British. One old Sikh gentleman in Amritsar seemed to think that that we received only fair payment for centuries of oppression and exploitation. "But what did we ever give you?" I asked. He mulled this over and replied: "Trousers".

The railways are absolutely spiffing. Once you master the technique of acquiring a ticket-- no mean feat-- you could live forever on the average station.

Despite the fact that we are having a great time there are about 1,000 things we miss. As far as I am concerned 999 of those are beer so please quaff the odd gallon or two and think of us.

Am taking millions of photos so prepare to be bored stupid when we return. Will write again soon. Give Fang and Meep an extra leaf or two from us.

Lots of love

Frank and Jenny.