Dec.--4(ish) 1980

Arnold Preet and Maud Featherstonehaugh

Orissa(ish) India

Greetings to all at number 3, yet another fun packed, super soaraway-- it gets rid of sores-- missive from Asia. Pausing briefly to 12 bore the mosquito blighters I am sorry to relate that I can't remember what I wrote in the last episode so please excuse repeated jokes etc. So far we have stayed in Delhi, Srinagar, Jammu, Amritsar, Agra, Jaipu, Udipur, Mount Abu, Bombay, Aurangabad, Khajeraho, Veranasi, Calcutta, Puri and Konorak which is quite a lot of staying, and quite a lot of going as well. Extraordinary touch of the mystic east in Varanasi. The man who owned the hotel had lived in Walfumstow for 17 years.

A smashing chap but whenever asked to recommend a restaurant would reply "They do triffic fish n chips at the Winfa Chinky." Now Varanasi, there's a places ("Is there?" "Yes"). As you may or may not know or care Varanasi a.k.a. Benares a.k.a. the biggest open looney farm on t firma is at least 3,000 years old, situate on the river Ganges and considered the bees knees by the Hindu folk. You have to accept that all Indian cities are crowded and crossing the street more dangerous than suggesting an exposé on organised crime to the editor of the National Enquirer. In good old Benares this is coupled with the fact that every day is a festival, this adds numerous elements of risk to the ever present gorings by cows, tramplings from human hordes or annihilation from all manner of wheeled thing. Try running being set on by an elephant up the flag--pole and see who salutes it. I am firmly convinced that there is no thing more loathsome, more unspeakably appalling than the sound of an Indian brass band.

Now the river, there's a thing-- you would not believe it so Ill tell you when we get home. Weddings-- of which there were many-- were exceedingly jolly to the on--looker. About 10 poor people are hired to walk along with four electric light tubes sticking out of their heads. These merry souls are followed by the electric generator on wheels which precedes half a dozen fruitcakes trying to play Chatenooga Choo Choo on drums! The groom follows, he always looks v. grim-- well who wouldn't with a golden Christmas Tree balanced on the head.

Khajeraho and Konorak are remarkably big on the ancient temple front-- and jolly impressive they are too. Unfortunately some of the carvings that adorn these astonishing pieces of architecture are "erotic" and this is the angle that gets the big sell. As a consequence you need only turn over any stone and an oily little cove wriggles out with "special photographs". These take the form of photo booth size b/w pix of hunks of masonry resembling the backgrounds of News of the World snatch shots taken within court precincts or some over/ under exposed thing beamed back from Jupiter.

There's some fellow called Prince Charles following us around just now-- sounds like a phoney name to me-- and if he catches up I shall steadfastly refuse to buy any snake skins, sandals, coral necklaces, made in Pilkington semi--precious stones, "Khajerah" couples that copulate at the touch of a button, real polymer handbags or statues of the 19 millionth incarnation of Boris Pasternak. That'll teach him.

Don't let all this rubbish suggest were not having a good time-- we are.

This is the formula for cashing a travellers cheque. (a) Enter bank depositing all weapons, as requested with the huge bloke with the shotgun. (b) find right counter, present cheque and passport, sign cheque, fill out form concerning home address, madness in family, contagious diseases (c) Clerk copies what you have written (d) Runner takes ledger to man who copies out what is written (e) runner takes ledger to third man who copies everything out and checks for errors. Usually they have worked out the dollar rate instead of pound so you start again after first clause in (b) (g) First man gives you a token (h) you get in queue. After a re--run of the Battle of Bosworth you get to the front where a man copies everything out, writes out a receipt, counts out the dough, takes token and releases you. On a good day this takes half an hour. One memorable day, or was it two, they worked by candlelight during a power cut.

Hope all is well back at the ranch, buzz the old beasts the odd bit of greenery from us. Have a jolly Yule (well be in bloody Bangkok). Keep the home fs burning. What's all this about M. Foot? I smell a rat. Will write soonish.

Love Frank & Jenny.