INDEX June 7, 2024
Clearly bonkers, clearly right
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Have I Got News For You S19E01 - Stephen Fry and David Shayler abitmoredeayton 2.6K subscribers 16,624 views 10 Dec 2021 #HIGNFY

First Broadcast on 14th April 2000. Shayler could not come to London because he would have been arrested if he did. As a result, he was on a satellite link from Paris, which had a two-second delay, to Merton's annoyance. "Soon every programme will be made like this" - Paul Merton

Transcript
0:00 faceless comedy find it by searching
0:03 [Music]
0:41 good evening and welcome to the first
0:42 have use for you since the arrival of
0:44 greg dyke who has pledged to streamline
0:46 the bbc by getting rid of redundant gray
0:48 suited middlemen so welcome to my last
0:50 show
0:51 in news this week at stormont
0:55 thank you at stormont a word arrives
0:57 that peter mandelson has had to pull out
0:59 of a dinner date
1:04 in the cory actor acceller field a use
1:07 on work experience discreetly tries to
1:08 retrieve his car keys
1:16 and a fire at the metropolitan police
1:18 laundry has severe ramifications for the
1:20 bobby on the beat
1:25 on ian hislop's team is an actor who
1:27 drives around london in a taxi though of
1:29 course he doesn't stop to pick people up
1:30 making it almost impossible to them
1:32 apart from the real thing stephen fry
1:41 and with paul merton tonight we were
1:42 hoping to have with us here in the
1:44 studio former mi5 spy david shayla now
1:47 exiled in france but unfortunately the
1:49 home office wouldn't allow him into the
1:50 country so instead would you please
1:52 welcome live by satellite from paris
1:54 former mi5 spy david shayla 2:04 david joins us from his secret hideaway 2:08 at number 27 room on march 2:11 incidentally i should point out if at 2:13 any time one of david's answers is found 2:15 to be in breach of the official secrets 2:16 act then sadly i will be in breach of it 2:18 too for having asked the question and 2:20 apparently you will too having listened 2:22 to it 2:23 so uh see you in strange ways 2:25 right round one is where all the fun 2:27 evaporates uh paul and david 2:31 hitler um 2:32 who's got my five 2:34 five there's uh david irving um and then 2:37 who's gonna have high five 2:40 i think he's stuck in the tape loop 2:41 there 2:43 yeah i should explain 2:44 david is an unfair advantage he's on a 2:46 two second delay isn't that right you're 2:48 on a two second delay isn't that right i 2:49 said you're on a two-second delay 2:54 so it was david irving was revealed much 2:56 to my surprise as 2:58 an ntc might yes who could thought 3:01 he did rather give the game away in 3:03 court though because at one point he was 3:04 in the middle of an answer and instead 3:05 of addressing the judge as my lord he 3:07 called him mine fuhrer 3:09 and who represented him in court he 3:11 represented himself he did yes um and 3:13 who prints his books 3:15 he does yeah and who delivers them in a 3:17 van he does yep 3:19 and he reads them no i think he does he 3:21 does 3:22 but who wipes their ass with them i do 3:32 detecting a slight resemblance between 3:34 david 3:39 it's me 3:40 would you like some water 3:43 [Music] 3:49 now we should have worked that out yeah 3:52 there we are 3:53 [Applause] 4:12 actually i'm actually in the studio next 4:14 to paul i'm actually in a box 4:16 i wish you were 4:19 yes this is historian david irving who 4:22 lost his libel trial at the high court 4:23 this week the trial got off to a bad 4:25 start for irving when he entered the 4:26 witness box and the clerk of the court 4:28 held out the bible and said raise your 4:30 right hand no not like that 4:34 uh ian and stephen your bouncer 4:38 oh paul henson well it's a sad story you 4:42 probably know all about it says don't 4:43 point me telling you but 4:45 have you watched this program before 4:48 um yes uh apparently uh 4:50 apparently hansi cronier who's the 4:52 captain of the south african 4:53 international cricket team um took some 4:56 money for forecasting match results and 4:58 the accusations i'm afraid of greater 5:00 than that gussy they go they go deeper 5:04 it's perfectly possible that he might 5:06 even be involved in in arranging to rig 5:09 a match from the result of it and how 5:10 did they find this out stevie plops well 5:15 didn't they what's the word tap bug 5:18 his mobile telephone yes it's a funny 5:20 thing about about you know whenever you 5:22 talk about sort of liberalization of 5:23 drugs or or loosening of uh 5:26 you know sexual laws and things people 5:27 say good old holland isn't it you know 5:28 wonderful tolerant place how can it be 5:30 so toronto did you realize god said you 5:32 know 150 years ago they sent all their 5:34 maniacs to south africa 5:43 david you're rather keen on holland you 5:45 didn't you choose holland to go to your 5:47 first stop when you left our shores i 5:49 did indeed yes for the the liberalism of 5:51 holland 5:53 you smoke a lot of cannabis 5:56 um a bit 5:59 slowed down your brain pattern 6:03 did you hear about paul messi hussein 6:04 was stopped by the police the other day 6:06 and uh he 6:07 they thought he was weaving the car a 6:08 little oddly and they asked him to blow 6:10 into a tube and he said he had passed a 6:12 piece of paper which said this man is an 6:14 asthmatic please don't ask him to blow 6:16 down him signed by a doctor he said well 6:18 that gets well i'm afraid i'd have to 6:19 have to take a blood sample and uh he 6:22 paused another one said this man is a 6:23 hemophiliac please don't take any any 6:25 blood out of him and they said well that 6:26 could be urine sample and so this man is 6:28 an england cricketer please don't take 6:29 the piss out 6:39 and you heard it here first 6:41 david heard it two seconds later 6:45 this is south african cricket 6:50 this is uh south african cricket captain 6:53 hansi grenia 6:54 who has admitted accepting money from 6:56 indian bookmakers and was immediately 6:57 suspended from the team a shame as it 6:59 now means he misses next week's narrow 7:01 one wicket defeat by australia 7:05 so at the end of that marathon round 7:07 each team has reached the dizzy heights 7:09 of two 7:18 by the media as being interesting and 7:19 exciting when the dull and turgid 7:21 reality is more than adequately 7:23 represented here tonight by 7:25 our next round 7:27 a number of top secret stories vital to 7:29 national security for our panelists to 7:31 divulge as we activate our specially 7:33 devised espionage 7:35 [Music] 7:48 so paul what's the secret 7:50 um i don't know do you know david i 7:52 don't know 7:53 john prescott um i do don't ask me 7:56 what's going on i don't know 7:58 you only worked there 8:00 he's got um john poster 8:06 soon every program will be made 8:15 i don't know ian knows ask him how's 8:17 your butt be card adverts doing they're 8:19 fine thank you very much how are your 8:21 exams imperial 8:24 that was six years ago yes it just feels 8:27 like it was good timing i wasn't at the 8:28 barclaycard just as they closed all 8:30 those branches yeah come on 8:32 you're trying to find somewhere paying 8:34 his feet yeah 8:38 have you got some bmw ads lined up next 8:40 isn't it 8:40 [Music] 8:47 uh oh we're in the middle of a time oh 8:48 yes definitely 8:50 talk about your party card but you know 8:52 ian i think knows the answer is there a 8:54 file on prescott in mi5 8:56 david is there a file 8:58 no 8:59 there we are 9:00 but there are other 9:01 um revelations that you've come out with 9:03 of people who've got files on them 9:05 david i'm looking at you at the moment 9:07 uh yes well people like jack straw and 9:09 peter mantelson and so on he was a 9:11 member of the communist party wasn't he 9:13 that's right you remember the communist 9:14 party and uh they suspected that he'd 9:16 been placed a kind of long-term sleeper 9:19 and uh he denies that he was a member of 9:22 the communist party but you have 9:23 evidence otherwise didn't you 9:25 well i actually saw a photocopied copy 9:27 of his membership card right we can see 9:29 a photograph of him at the time 9:33 quite clearly a communist i think 9:37 is there a file on any of the three of 9:39 us here any other four of us i can't 9:40 care 9:42 well i've got one 9:43 yep 9:44 do you think you're being monitored 9:45 right now by the uh by mi5 9:48 well have they got a telly 9:55 so if we lose you we'll know what's 9:57 happened 9:58 it is the recent revelations that mi5 1
0:00 holds files on john prescott and various 1
0:03 other members of the cabinet once 1
0:04 considered subversive the accuracy of 1
0:06 the mi5 files have been called into 1
0:08 question for example jack straws dossier 1
0:10 begins jack straw is a hard-line 1
0:12 revolutionary socialist 1
0:14 spot on as far as the word is 1
0:17 david your chance to pitch your wits 1
0:20 against our espionage 1
0:32 it's clearly tham's house 1
0:34 it's actually the overspend on the mi5 1
0:36 buildings where miz5 spent four times 1
0:39 over budget they must let an ira 1
0:40 terrorist slip through vetting he was 1
0:42 actually building within ten's house 1
0:45 and then they had to pull down half the 1
0:46 walls and the fittings and so on just in 1
0:48 case he put a bug or a bomb in there 1
0:51 they are brilliant aren't they 1
0:54 it doesn't make you sleep safe at night 1
0:56 doesn't it 1
0:58 one of the builders is an ira and and 1
0:59 they recruited you 1
1:02 did you sign the official secret zone 1
1:05 it's just a piece of paper 1
1:09 i signed the same document that people 1
1:11 who sweep up in defense contractors sign 1
1:13 and they at least respect it 1
1:20 there is a history of wasting money 1
1:21 isn't there 1
1:22 the best use of money for the secret 1
1:24 services would be just to close them all 1
1:25 down wouldn't it 1
1:26 because they've 1
1:30 to other secret service services they 1
1:31 did quite well last year they actually 1
1:32 made questions you mean secretly 1
1:35 yeah didn't they david isn't it right 1
1:36 they make quite a lot of money out of it 1
1:37 didn't they but if you look at the 1
1:38 things they were meant to predict well 1
1:39 they've given quite a few to the 1
1:40 russians recently what's the market 1
1:42 price for a secret these days it's a 1
1:44 secret oh 1
1:48 it's about a barclaycard it has offered 1
1:50 several million quid by the libyans how 1
1:52 much 1
1:54 uh several million by the libyans for 1
1:56 what 1
1:57 for details of the gaddafi plot and 1
1:59 lockerbie and the names of mi5 and mi6 12:01 agents of libya and you didn't give it 12:03 to them 12:05 i didn't know because i'm not a traitor 12:06 good good for you 12:08 this is the recent fiasco over the mi5 12:10 building refurbishment uh after 12:12 discovering that one of the laborers was 12:14 a convicted ira terrorist mi5 bosses 12:16 spent millions tearing the building 12:18 apart in their search for hidden bombs 12:20 walls were demolished ceilings pulled 12:22 down and floorboards ripped up surely it 12:24 would have been cheaper to let the bomb 12:25 go off 12:28 ian your official secret 12:34 [Music] 12:39 um gaddafi and the the plot was that mi5 12:43 or was it mi6 we're going to poison his 12:45 sunglasses or something yeah they were 12:47 trying to kill gaddafi but they failed 12:49 so another dismal yeah they were they 12:51 were funding an assassination attempt 12:52 rattling tins or whatever is it 12:55 yes 12:56 i think you have to say it's not pure 12:57 fantasy of course 12:59 why is that then 13:00 uh because robin cook said i'm perfectly 13:02 clear that these allegations have no 13:04 basis in fact it is pure fantasy that 13:06 then 14 months later 13:08 a document appeared on the internet 13:10 saying 13:11 that was the qaddafi plot but that's the 13:13 problem politicians have you you 13:15 bastards never tell them anything oh 13:16 it's not we're not doing this 13:18 we're not doing that then they take the 13:20 flak and have to resign while you not 13:21 carry on in your greasy trade 13:29 they refuse my information though 13:32 yeah they want to know what's going on 13:32 mi5 i tell them and they won't accept my 13:34 information how high up the ladder were 13:36 you in i mean 13:38 how exactly uh i was just below junior 13:40 management 14:00 oh no 14:07 uh slight technical difficulty over here 14:11 david we lost you for a moment they're 14:13 not quite sure why 14:18 and lastly stephen your 14:20 operation right answer 14:24 [Music] 14:31 i think what happens is that these 14:33 operatives go about with the the laptop 14:35 machines and they leave them wherever 14:37 they are um with their password which is 14:39 usually password or 14:41 um 14:54 hmm 14:57 [Music] 15:03 got this sort of 15:05 in inter office email memo sent to all 15:06 of them saying uh um the the disney 15:09 corporation is not pleased at any use of 15:11 the word mouse schwitz to describe this 15:13 corporation um anyone who does so in 15:17 future will be warned once and then and 15:18 then the employment will be terminated 15:20 and within about 10 minutes they were 15:23 using dhaka which was rather brilliant 15:30 do you know the tapas bar uh incredible 15:32 robartos in question yes i think i've 15:35 read that one yes when you were in the 15:36 tapas bars david didn't you get up to 15:38 the mischievous games 15:40 at two o'clock in the morning yourself 15:42 uh like what 15:44 uh phoning up celebrities uh with your 15:46 special content this is a famous story 15:48 he was actually in fact a um a sky news 15:51 journalist who rang um peter lilly 15:54 that's right edwina curry pretending to 15:55 be peter lilly 15:57 using my contacts book but it wasn't me 15:59 doing it it was somebody else using my 16:00 contacts book you're just wild zadie 16:04 you're a nutty bunny you're just crazy 16:06 guys you don't care do you 16:08 [Applause] 16:14 yes so that was 16:17 oh poor paul come on let's get on with 16:19 it 16:37 this is uh whilst 16:38 paul reads the paper this is the story 16:40 of an mi6 16:44 an mi6 agent david 16:47 four letter word 16:50 meaning door fastener 16:53 okay lock 16:55 gotta be i think so yeah 16:58 this is the story of an mi6 agent who 17:00 apparently got drunk staggered out of 17:01 tapas bar at midnight and left their 17:03 laptop in a taxi after the laptop went 17:05 missing one mi6 source said the loss is 17:07 extremely regrettable we want the laptop 17:09 back understandable it's no fun having 17:11 to play solitaire with real cards 17:14 for which naked intelligence signals the 17:16 end of this bonding process with ian and 17:19 stephen looking a bit mi4 trailing as 17:22 they are 7-6 17:32 odd one out never fails to disappoint 17:35 four your uh seats of power belong to 17:38 greg dyke 17:40 prince charles 17:41 dominic lawson and pierre eve gerbil 17:44 this 17:57 capricorn you are going to have a 18:02 people who you respect will start taking 18:04 the piss out of you 18:07 no sorry god what's your theory 18:09 uh well mr gerbil is a um in charge of a 18:12 large tit the other three are tits 18:18 you will do a joke which won't go down 18:21 very well 18:21 [Music] 18:26 is all the famous dad prince charles 18:27 he's got a famous dad prince philip 18:29 dominic lawson's got a famous dad uh 18:31 greg dyke dick fan 18:35 which is not a mobile service in the 18:37 rural area of homosexuals 18:40 i think the odd one out 18:42 is uh prince charles because he's the 18:44 only one drinking a pint of invisible 18:46 beer is the wrong answer 18:48 greg dyke 18:49 notably uh caused a bit of an old fuss 18:52 when he you know he waited so long to 18:54 get into the devil millennium eve 18:56 um and as i believe the same thing may 18:58 have happened to uh lawson there and 19:01 this chat runs the dome but i don't 19:02 think prince william has ever been there 19:03 because he doesn't approve of the uh but 19:05 he does complain about it he doesn't 19:06 like it very much so perhaps he's not 19:07 been there so perhaps he would be the 19:08 opponent is the right answer 19:18 is it also true that greg dyke is the 19:20 only one who's a ferengi from star trek 19:24 [Music] 19:28 uh the answer is uh yes they've all had 19:30 problems uh getting into the millennium 19:33 dome except for prince charles who 19:34 according to the mirror said that it 19:36 resembled a cow pat 19:39 and that he's vowed never to set foot in 19:40 it 19:44 not as stupid as he looks uh david your 19:46 uh pedigree chums are 19:49 whiskey and soda 19:51 ronnie biggs muhammad al fired and the 19:54 queen 19:55 i have been quite careful on this 19:56 question because the man in the bottom 19:57 left-hand corner pays my wages 2
0:01 [Music] 2
0:18 suddenly it's not interesting 2
0:21 what was that 2
0:23 mi5 we can only assume uh 2
0:25 interfering with the pictures i'm sorry 2
0:27 about that um yes david you were in the 2
0:29 middle of telling us something 2
0:31 this must be to do with passports as in 2
0:34 the two 2
0:35 mutts 2
0:37 will now have passports so they can come 2
0:39 back from hong kong uh ronnie biggs 2
0:41 presumably has a passport but can't go 2
0:43 anywhere because he's got to stay in 2
0:44 brazil 2
0:46 the queen doesn't need a passport 2
0:48 um 2
0:49 hasn't got one um no 2
0:52 the dogs do have a passport and everyone 2
0:53 else doesn't is the right answer very 2
0:55 good 2
1:02 and i have to say that compared to some 2
1:04 of the people the dogs deserve one 2
1:06 i say 2
1:08 these are scampi 2
1:10 a great train robber ronnie biggs no 2
1:12 longer has a british passport and he had 2
1:15 to flee britain to live in exile like 2
1:17 david shayla he's unable to return 2
1:19 without facing prosecution like david 2
1:20 shayla and he's achieved international 2
1:22 cult status as a lovable folk hero 2
1:25 ian 2
1:32 david putnam 2
1:33 ruth rendall michael ashcroft and posh 2
1:36 and bex 2
1:38 david putnam um is a lord a labour lord 2
1:41 ruth rendell is a labour lord michael 2
1:44 ashcroft worked very hard um for his 2
1:46 peerage um took him most of his life and 2
1:49 three million quid but he got it um 2
1:52 quite rightly 2
1:56 is it to do with thrones uh in what way 2
1:59 well about the only thing i know about 22:00 these two is that for their wedding they 22:02 had thrones it was all in hello 22:05 so is it they actually have the thrones 22:07 and then this is a pathetic answer i can 22:10 feel it and the others and the others 22:13 don't really have thrones anymore 22:14 because they've abolished the thrones 22:16 one of ian's better answers i think 22:19 um and completely wrong 22:21 the answer is that they've all designed 22:23 their own coat of arms 22:25 with the exception of michael ashcroft 22:27 who is now entitled to one because he's 22:29 just been made appear as you mentioned 22:31 uh but they all have coats of arms 22:32 including potion backs of course there 22:34 we are 22:36 love friendship sometimes you feel there 22:38 isn't enough vomit in the world 22:49 labour mp suspicious of michael 22:51 ashcroft's status nicknamed him the 22:52 sleaze from belize lucky for him he has 22:55 no connection with sri lanka 22:59 and uh finally in this round stephen 23:01 joan of arc 23:03 harry potter 23:05 brian mcwinney and jonathan aitken 23:08 oh well there is voices 23:10 voices is the one yes thing that comes 23:12 to mind the voices in head hearing of 23:17 that 23:18 joan of arc notably uh heard head voices 23:21 in her 23:23 and uh harry potter 23:25 the dark lord who has not been named 23:28 voldemort 23:29 he killed harry's parents as you 23:31 probably know yes and um and he hears 23:33 his voice jonathan aitken heard god 23:35 talking to him out of a rodex watch i 23:36 believe yeah 23:37 you talked to me he was the um chairman 23:39 of the conservative party wasn't he and 23:41 i don't know what his connection 23:42 interestingly uh brian when he was told 23:44 by god to become an mp in 1979 although 23:47 he obviously didn't hear the word labour 23:49 in that case it must be harry potter who 23:50 doesn't hear the voice of god but here's 23:51 the voice of voldemort 23:53 is the right answer 24:02 a revisionist uh historians now claim 24:04 that far from being mad joan of arc may 24:07 have been a victim of food poisoning 24:09 makes sense i can't tell you the number 24:10 of times i've eaten a few dodgy prawns 24:12 and ended up commanding the french army 24:16 which divine comedy means at the end of 24:17 this godforsaken round it's uh paul and 24:20 david who look hell-bound behind as they 24:22 are 13-7 24:31 and so to our warm and wet final missing 24:33 words round a bewildering display of 24:35 half-cut headlines including many or 24:37 fewer from this week's guest publication 24:39 the literally fabulous transgender 24:41 community news 24:44 featuring on the cover their cookery 24:45 expert trish the dish 24:48 so stand by 24:50 for super salmon to what climb empire 24:52 state building 24:56 to smoke themselves and jump onto the 24:58 bit of brown bread um good guess rescue 25:01 citizens in trouble 25:03 it is in fact uh be first gm fish is uh 25:06 the answer uh next drop it i'm what i'm 25:09 betting thousands of pounds on us losing 25:11 this man 25:12 um gorgeous it's not a cricket reference 25:15 um drop it i'm rolo cop is the awesome 25:18 this is the metal 25:20 policeman exactly we'll have a look at 25:21 it here we go on police pretty 25:23 embarrassing and there he is with his 25:24 hands around as well yeah yeah that man 25:26 is suffering from blur disease 25:29 phil so if i can be blurred if you're 25:31 sitting still what kind of photograph is 25:33 that 25:33 [Music] 25:35 the only thing that's moving is it 25:36 perfectly pinned sharp 25:38 i'd get another camera if i was that 25:40 bloke 25:41 look the tree's blurred he's blurred the 25:43 grass is blurred 25:45 the only thing that's blurred is moving 25:46 because he's moving the same speed as 25:48 the person moving oh that explains it 25:51 something like i could confuse a stupid 25:52 person 25:55 uh next eat your way to what please 25:58 better breasts 25:59 yeah 26:00 how did you know that busty bliss 26:11 so you were pretending that you'd never 26:12 heard of transgender community news 26:15 which that featured in rather largely 26:17 not your way to better knockers 26:21 for charlie's absolutely 26:23 feed yourself for fulsome fun bags 26:28 and finally what to be used in fight 26:30 against crime police it's a new idea 26:35 didn't you think the police did us proud 26:37 on the lawrence case 26:38 seven years later they thought i wonder 26:40 if we should dig up the garden of the 26:42 chief suspect 26:44 and they found a knife 26:45 and then when the policeman came on he 26:46 said we were acting on a tip-off 26:51 they couldn't even claim the credit 26:54 transsexuals to be used uh it's not from 26:57 transgender super sad news yeah it's not 26:59 nothing super salmon yeah 27:01 sorry 27:02 the power of prayer is he has to get 27:04 changed in 27:15 spawning lady you must know 27:33 which barking nonsense means at the end 27:35 of this one 27:36 i'll let you know in just a second all 27:38 right i can't wait you'll find out two 27:40 seconds after me 27:42 uh means at the end of tonight's dogs 27:44 dinner this week's uh runs of the litter 27:46 are paul and david were signed while 27:48 this week's leaders of the pack are ian 27:50 and steven with 14. 27:51 [Music] 28:00 and i leave you with news that the 28:01 conservative party is receiving hundreds 28:02 of letters a day demanding that jeffrey 28:04 archer should be allowed back in 28:09 in dover the first dog to forge its own 28:12 passport approaches customs 28:20 and ken livingston gets a shock one 28:21 morning as he opens the living room 28:23 curtains 28:28 good night 28:43 black outer goes fourth black adder to 28:45 ab fab and the office four of the best 28:48 british comedy series ever made and 28:50 they're all here from nine in big comedy 28:52 thursday on uk gold plenty of laughs 28:55 next tonight with david bedeal putting 28:57 his hate into room 101 29:00 [Applause] 29:05 [Applause] Become a Hero Sponsored hero-wars.com Be a hero Barfußschuhe lindern SchmerzenPerfekt für Spaziergänge, Wanderungen, Sport oder im Alltag - sehr vielseitig einsetzbar! Sponsored OutdoorHeld Visit site 29:06 Now playing Have I Got News For You S19E02 - Dominic Holland & David Steel abitmoredeayton 25K views 2 years ago
If you encounter anyone from one of our vile intelligence services (there are no other kind) and the subject of David Shayler comes up, you will find they have a ready come back. Shayler, a former MI5 officer himself, is clearly bonkers. And that's true.

And it is also true of most of the people who speak about our far from esteemed intelligence services. They are mostly bonkers, or appear to be so. In Shayler's case, however, there are old clips from tv programmes made after he blew the whistle about MI6 sponsoring terrorists who were murdering people, that seem to show another Shayler. Bright, well informed though perhaps a little eccentric.

Close attention from the spooks seems to drive people bonkers. It's probably a little bit like being haunted. The ghosts, if such things exist, don't have the power to do much physical harm but they can drive you mad.

Anyway, Shayler is back in the news, or seeking to be, with a new documentary. You can view it at https://www.thelifeofdave.org/.
INDEX
Jonathan Brind
June 7, 2024