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Fear On Four

In 2006 I heard on BBC Seven, a digital station, a radio play part of the Fear on Four series with the Man in Black, Edward Da Souza. It was called "House of Horror: Dead Drummer on Salisbury Plain. David Buck, played the undertaker and wrote the play based on an Ingoldsby Legend (see below).

Apart from the location, close to the ancestral homeland of the Brinds, I was struck by the names of two of the characters: Able Brand and Jed Brand.It might all be coincidence but one of the lines in the play is that Brand is a fairly uncommon name. Not round here it isn't, says the undertaker played by David Buck, also the author of the piece. For me the Ingoldsby Legends are almost impossible to read, the style drives me mad, but I found the original and it is featured below. Unfortunately, it was easier to find than to read. I haven't been able to do that, though I have scanned through it to find the name Andrew Brand. Perhaps you might have better luck!

Jonathan Brind

Fear On Four


Creepy stories on Radio 4, broadcast from 1988-99, performed by actors and introduced by Edward de Souza until 1993. He resurrected THE MAN IN BLACK character with a chilling sense of menace. The final series (1997) and the one-off play "The Blood of Eva Bergen (1999) were dramatised without the Man In Black character.


Sinister storyteller played originally by Valentine Dyall, who from 1943 introduced APPOINTMENT WITH FEAR's late-night plays in cold, hushed tones, designed to make flesh crawl and spines shiver. Then, from 1949, THE MAN IN BLACK was used as the title for a series of macabre stories which included R.L.Stevenson's Markheim and M.R. James's classic Oh Whistle and I'll Come To You.


The Dead Drummer (25/1/89)

by David Buck, from one of the Ingoldsby Legends: Ray Smith, Christian Rodska, Glyn Houston, David Buck.

Dir: Martin Jenkins


An Ingoldsby Legend.

Oh, Salisbury Plain is bleak and bare,--
At least so I've heard many people declare,
For I fairly confess I never was there;--
Not a shrub nor a tree,
Nor a bush can you see:
No hedges, no ditches, no gates, no stiles,
Much less a house, or a cottage for miles;--
-- It's a very sad thing to be caught in the rain
When night's coming on upon Salisbury Plain.

Now, I'd have you to know
That a great while ago,--
The best part of a century, may be, or so,--
Across this same plain, so dull and so dreary,
A couple of Travellers, way-worn and weary,
Were making their way;
Their profession, you'd say,
At a single glance did not admit of a query;
The pump-handled pig-tail, and whiskers worn then,
With scarce an exception, by sea-faring men,
The jacket,-- the loose trousers 'bows'd up together'--all
Guiltless of braces, as those of Charles Wetherall,--
The pigeon-toed step, and the rollicking motion,
Bespoke them two genuine sons of the Ocean,
And show'd in a moment their real charácters,
(The accent so placed on this word by our Jack Tars).
The one in advance was sturdy and strong,
With arms uncommonly bony and long,
And his Guernsey shirt
Was all pitch and dirt,
Which sailors don't think inconvenient or wrong.
He was very broad-breasted,
And very deep-chested;
His sinewy frame correspond with the rest did,
Except as to height, for he could not be more
At the most, you would say, than some five feet four.
And, if measured, perhaps had been found a thought lower.
Dame Nature, in fact,-- whom some person or other,
-- A Poet,-- has call'd a 'capricious step-mother,'--
You saw when beside him,
Had somehow denied him
In longitude what she had granted in latitude.
A trifling defect
You'd the sooner detect
From his having contracted a stoop in his attitude.
Square-built and broad-shoulder'd, good-humour'd and gay,
With his collar and countenance open as day,
The latter --'twas mark'd with small-pox, by the way,--
Had a sort of expression good-will to bespeak;
He'd a smile in his eye, and a quid in his cheek!
And, in short, notwithstanding his failure in height,
He was just such a man as you'd say, at first sight,
You would much rather dine, or shake hands, with than fight!

The other, his friend and companion, was taller,
By five or six inches, at least, than the smaller;--
From his air and his mien
It was plain to be seen,
That he was, or had been,
A something between
The real 'Jack Tar' and the 'Jolly Marine.'
For, though he would give an occasional hitch,
Sailor-like to his 'slops,' there was something, the which,
On the whole savour'd more of the pipeclay than pitch.--
Such were now the two men who appear'd on the hill,
Harry Waters the tall one, the short 'Spanking Bill.'
To be caught in the rain,
I repeat it again,
Is extremely unpleasant on Salisbury Plain;
And when with a good soaking shower there are blended
Blue lightnings and thunder, the matter's not mended;
Such was the case
In this wild dreary place,
On the day that I'm speaking of now, when the brace
Of trav'llers alluded to quicken'd their pace,
Till a good steady walk became more like a race
To get quit of the tempest which held them in chace.

Louder, and louder
Than mortal gunpowder,
The heav'nly artillery kept crashing and roaring,
The lightning kept flashing, the rain too kept pouring,
While they, helter-skelter,
In vain sought for shelter
From what I have heard term'd, 'a regular pelter;'
But the deuce of a screen
Could be anywhere seen,
Or an object except that on one of the rises,
An old way-post show'd
Where the Lavington road
Branch'd off to the left from the one to Devizes;
And thither the footsteps of Waters seem'd tending,
Though a doubt might exist of the course he was bending,
To a landsman, at least, who, wherever he goes,
Is content, for the most part to follow his nose;--
While Harry kept 'backing
And filling'-- and 'tacking,'--
Two nautical terms which, I'll wager a guinea, are
Meant to imply
What you, Reader, and I
Would call going zig-zag, and not rectilinear.

But here, once for all, let me beg you'll excuse
All mistakes I may make in the words sailors use --
'Mongst themselves, on a cruise,
Or ashore with the Jews,
Or in making their court to their Polls and their Sues,
Or addressing those slop-selling females afloat -- women
Known in our navy as oddly-named boat-women.
The fact is, I can't say,I'm versed in the school
So ably conducted by Marryat and Poole;
(See the last-mentioned gentleman's 'Admiral's Daughter')
The grand vade mecum
For all who to sea come,
And get, the first time in their lives, in blue water;
Of course in the use of sea terms you'll not wonder
If I now and then should fall into some blunder,
For which Captain Chamier, or Mr. T. P. Cooke
Would call me a 'Lubber,' and 'Son of a Sea-cook.'

To return to our muttons -- This mode of progression
At length upon Spanking Bill made some impression,
--'Hillo, messmate, what cheer?
How queer you do steer!'
Cried Bill, whose short legs kept him still in the rear,
'Why, what's in the wind, Bo?-- what is it you fear?'
For he saw in a moment that something was frightening
His shipmate much more than the thunder and lightning.

'Fear?' stammer'd out Waters, 'why, HIM!-- don't you see
What faces that Drummer-boy's making at me?'
-- How he dodges me so
Wherever I go?--
What is it he wants with me, Bill,-- do you know?'
'What Drummer-boy, Harry?' cries Bill in surprise,
(With a brief explanation, that ended in 'eyes,')
'What Drummer-boy, Waters?-- the coast is all clear,
We haven't got never no Drummer-boy here!'

--'Why, there?-- don't you see
How he's following me?
Now this way, now that way, and won't let me be!
Keep him off, Bill -- look here --
Don't let him come near!
Only see how the blood-drops his features besmear!
What, the dead come to life again!-- Bless me!-- Oh dear!'

Bill remark'd in reply, 'This is all very queer --
What, a Drummer-boy -- bloody, too -- eh!-- well, I never --
I can't see no Drummer-boy here whatsumdever!'
'Not see him!--why there;--look!--he's close by the post--
Hark!-- hark!-- how he drums at me now!-- he's a Ghost!'

'A what?' returned Bill,-- at that moment a flash
More than commonly awful preceded a crash
Like what's call'd in Kentucky 'an Almighty Smash.'--
And down Harry Waters went plump on his knees,
While the sound, though prolong'd, died away by degrees:
In its last sinking echoes, however, were some
Which, Bill could not help thinking, resembled a drum!

'Hollo! Waters!-- I says,'
Quoth he in amaze,
'Why, I never see'd nuffin in all my born days
Half so queer
As this here,
And I'm not very clear
But that one of us two has good reason for fear --
You to jaw about drummers with nobody near us!--
I must say as how that I thinks it's mysterus.'

'Oh, mercy!' roar'd Waters, 'do keep him off, Bill,
And, Andrew, forgive!-- I'll confess all!-- I will!
I'll make a clean breast,
And as for the rest,
You may do with me just what the lawyers think best
But haunt me not thus!-- let these visitings cease,
And your vengeance accomplish'd, Boy, leave me in peace!'
-- Harry paused for a moment,-- then turning to Bill,
Who stood with his mouth open, steady and still,
Began 'spinning' what nauticals term 'a tough yarn,'
Viz.: his tale of what Bill call'd 'this precious consarn,'

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

'It was in such an hour as this,
On such a wild and wintry day,
The forked lightning seem'd to hiss,
As now, athwart our lonely way,
When first these dubious paths I tried --
Yon livid form was by my side!--

'Not livid then -- the ruddy glow
Of life, and youth, and health it bore!
And bloodless was that gory brow,
And cheerful was the smile it wore,
And mildly then those eyes did shine --
-- Those eyes which now are blasting mine!

'They beam'd with confidence and love
Upon my face,-- and Andrew Brand
Had sooner fear'd yon frighten'd dove
Than harm from Gervase Matcham's hand!
-- I am no Harry Waters -- men
Did call me Gervase Matcham then.

'And Matcham, though a humble name,
Was stainless as the feathery flake
From Heaven, whose virgin whiteness came
Upon the newly-frozen lake;
Commander, comrade, all began
To laud the Soldier,-- like the Man.

'Nay, muse not, William,-- I have said
I was a soldier -- staunch and true
As any he above whose head
Old England's lion banner flew;
And, duty done,-- her claim apart,--
'Twas said I had a kindly heart.

'And years roll'd on, and with them came
Promotion -- Corporal -- Sergeant -- all
In turn -- I kept mine honest fame --
Our Colonel's self,-- whom men did call
The veriest Martinet -- ev'n he,
Though cold to most, was kind to me!--

'One morn -- oh! may that morning stand
Accursed in the rolls of fate
Till latest time!-- there came command
To carry forth a charge of weight
To a detachment far away,--
-- It was their regimental pay!--

'And who so fit for such a task
As trusty Matcham, true and tried,
Who spurn'd the inebriating flask,
With honour for his constant guide?--
On Matcham fell their choice -- and He,--
'Young Drum,'-- should bear him company!

'And grateful was that sound to hear,
For he was full of life and joy,
The mess-room pet -- to each one dear
Was that kind, gay, light-hearted boy.
-- The veriest churl in all our band
Had aye a smile for Andrew Brand.--

'-- Nay, glare not as I name thy name!
That threatening hand, that fearful brow
Relax -- avert that glance of flame!
Thou see'st I do thy bidding now!
Vex'd Spirit, rest!--'twill soon be o'er,--
Thy blood shall cry to Heav'n no more!

'Enough -- we journey'd on --the walk
Was long,-- and dull and dark the day,--
And still young Andrew's cheerful talk
And merry laugh beguiled the way;
Noon came, a sheltering bank was there,--
We paused our frugal meal to share.

'Then 'twas, with cautious hand, I sought
To prove my charge secure,-- and drew
The packet from my vest, and brought
The glittering mischief forth to view,
And Andrew cried,--No!--'twas not He!--
It was THE TEMPTER spoke to me!

'But it was Andrew's laughing voice
That sounded in my tingling ear,
--"Now, Gervase Matcham, at thy choice,"
It seem'd to say, "are gauds and gear.
And all that wealth can buy or bring,
Ease,-- wassail,-- worship,-- every thing!

'"No tedious drill, no long parade,
No bugle call at early dawn;
For guard-room bench, or barrack bed,
The downy couch, the sheets of lawn;
And I thy Page,-- thy steps to tend,
Thy sworn companion,-- servant,-- friend!"

'He ceased -- that is, I heard no more,
Though other words pass'd idly by,
And Andrew chatter'd as before,
And laugh'd -- I mark'd him not -- not I.
'"Tis at thy choice!" that sound alone
Rang in mine ear -- voice else was none.

'I could not eat,-- the untasted flask
Mock'd my parch'd lip,-- I pass'd it by.
"What ails thee, man?" he seem'd to ask.--
I felt, but could not meet his eye.--
'"Tis at thy choice!"-- it sounded yet--
A sound I never may forget.

--'"Haste! haste! the day draws on," I cried,
"And Andrew, thou hast far to go!"--
"Hast far to go!" the Fiend replied
Within me,--'twas not Andrew -- no!
'Twas Andrew's voice no more --'twas He
Whose then I was, and aye must be!

-- On, on we went:-- the dreary plain
Was all around us -- we were Here!
Then came the storm,-- the lightning,-- rain,--
No earthly living thing was near,
Save one wild Raven on the wing,
-- If that, indeed, were earthly thing!

'I heard its hoarse and screaming voice
High hovering o'er my frenzied head,
'"Tis Gervase Matcham, at thy choice!
But he -- the Boy!" methought it said.
-- Nay, Andrew, check that vengeful frown,--
I loved thee when I struck thee down!

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

''Twas done! the deed that damns me -- done
I know not how -- I never knew;--
And Here I stood -- but not alone,--
The prostrate Boy my madness slew,
Was by my side -- limb, feature, name,
'Twas HE!!-- another -- yet the same!

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

'Away! away! in frantic haste
Throughout that live-long night I flew --
Away! away!-- across the waste,--
I know not how -- I never knew.--
My mind was one wild blank -- and I
Had but one thought,-- one hope -- to fly!

'And still the lightning plough'd the ground,
The thunder roar'd--and there would come
Amidst its loudest bursts a sound
Familiar once -- it was -- A DRUM!--
Then came the morn,-- and light,-- and then
Streets,-- houses,-- spires,-- the hum of men.

'And Ocean roll'd before me -- fain
Would I have whelm'd me in its tide,
At once beneath the billowy main
My shame, my guilt, my crime to hide;
But HE was there!-- HE crossed my track,--
I dared not pass -- HE waved me back!

'And then rude hands detain'd me -- sure
Justice had grasp'd her victim -- no!
Though powerless, hopeless, bound, secure,
A captive thrall, it was not so;
They cry 'The Frenchman's on the wave!'
The press was hot -- and I a slave.

'They dragg'd me o'er the vessel's side;
The world of waters roll'd below;
The gallant ship in all her pride
Of dreadful beauty sought her foe;
-- Thou saw'st me; William in the strife --

Alack! I bore a charmed life!
'In vain the bullets round me fly,
In vain mine eager breast I bare;
Death shuns the wretch who longs to die,
And every sword falls edgeless there!
Still HE is near;-- and seems to cry,
"Not here, nor thus, may Matcham die!"--

'Thou saw'st me on that fearful day,
When, fruitless all attempts to save,
Our pinnace foundering in the bay,
The boat's-crew met a watery grave,--
All, all -- save one -- the ravenous sea
That swallow'd all -- rejected Me!

'And now, when fifteen suns have each
Fulfill'd in turn its circling year,
Thrown back again on England's beach,
Our bark paid off -- HE drives me Here!
I could not die in flood or fight--
He drives me HERE!!'--
'And sarve you right!

What! bilk your Commander!-- desart -- and then rob!
And go scuttling a poor little Drummer-boy's nob;
Why, my precious eyes! what a bloodthirsty swab!--
There's old Davy Jones,
Who cracks sailors' bones
For his jaw-work, would never, I'm sure, s'elp me Bob,
Have come for to go for to do sich a job!
Hark ye, Waters,-- or Matcham,-- whichever's your purser-name,
-- T'other, your own, is, I'm sartain, the worser name,--
Twelve years have we lived on like brother and brother!
Now -- your course lays one way, and mine lays another!'--

'No, William, it may not be so;
Blood calls for blood!--'tis Heaven's decree!
And thou with me this night must go,
And give me to the gallows-tree!
Ha!-- see -- He smiles -- He points the way!
On, William, on!-- no more delay!'

Now Bill,-- so the story, as told to me, goes,
And who, as his last speech sufficiently shows,
Was a 'regular trump,'-- did not like to 'turn Nose;'
But then came a thunder-clap louder than any
Of those that preceded, though they were so many:
And hark!--as its rumblings subside in a hum,
What sound mingles too?-- By the hokey-- A DRUM!!

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I remember I once heard my Grandfather say,
That some sixty years since he was going that way,
When they show'd him the spot
Where the gibbet -- was -- not --
On which Matcham's corse had been hung up to rot;
It had fall'n down -- but how long before, he'd forgot;
And they told him, I think, at the Bear in Devizes,
The town where the Sessions are held,-- or the 'Sizes,
That Matcham confess'd,
And made a clean breast
To the May'r; but that after he'd had a night's rest,
And the storm had subsided, he 'pooh-pooh'd' his friend,
Swearing all was a lie from beginning to end;
Said 'he'd only been drunk --
hat his spirits had sunk
At the thunder -- the storm put him into a funk,--
That, in fact, he had nothing at all on his conscience,
And found out, in short, he'd been talking great nonsense.'--

But now one Mr. Jones
Comes forth and depones
That fifteen years since, he had heard certain groans
On his way to Stonehenge (to examine the stones
Described in a work of the late Sir John Soane's,)
That he'd follow'd the moans, And, led by their tones,
Found a Raven a-picking a Drummer-boy's bones!--
-- Then the Colonel wrote word
From the King's Forty-third,
That the story was certainly true which they'd heard,

For, that one of their drummers, and one Sergeant Matcham,
Had 'brush'd with the dibs,' and they never could catch 'em.
So Justice was sure, though a long time she'd lagg'd,
And the Sergeant, in spite of his 'Gammon,' got 'scragg'd;'
And people averr'd
That an ugly black bird,
The Raven, 'twas hinted, of whom we have heard,
Though the story, I own, appears rather absurd,
Was seen (Gervase Matcham not being interr'd),
To roost all that night on the murderer's gibbet;
An odd thing, if so, and it may be a fib -- it,
However's a thing Nature's laws don't prohibit.
-- Next morning they add, that 'black gentleman' flies out
Having picked Matcham's nose off, and gobbled his eyes out!


Avis au Voyageur.


If you contemplate walking o'er Salisbury plain,
Consult Mr. Murphy, or Moore, and refrain
From selecting a day when it's likely to rain!

When trav'lling, don't 'flash'
Your notes or your cash
Before other people -- it's foolish and rash!

At dinner be cautious, and note well your party!--
There's little to dread where the appetite's hearty,--
But mind and look well to your purse and your throttle
When you see a man shirking, and passing his bottle!

If you chance to be needy,
Your coat and hat seedy,
In war time especially never go out
When you've reason to think there's a press-gang about!

Don't chatter, nor tell people all that you think,
Nor blab secrets,-- especially when you're in drink.--
But keep your own counsel in all that you do!
-- Or a Counsel may, some day or other, keep you.

Discard superstition!-- and don't take a post,
If you happen to see one at night, for a Ghost!
-- Last of all, if by choice or convenience you're led
To cut a man's throat, or demolish his head,
Don't do 't in a thunder-storm -- wait for the summer!
And mind, above all things, the MAN'S NOT A DRUMMER!!

Among a bundle of letters I find one from Sucklethumubkin,
dated from London, and containing his version of perhaps the
greatest theatrical Civil War since the celebrated 'O. P. row.'
As the circumstances are now become matter of history, and poor
Doldrum himself has been, alas! for some time the denizen of a
far different 'House,' I have ventured to preserve it. Perhaps
it may be unnecessary to add, that my honourable friend has of
late taken to Poetry and goes without his cravat

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